Symptom-Free Fantasy

A lovely dream

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I’ve experienced fibromyalgia symptoms since age 15. I don’t remember what it’s like to wake up and feel rested. I don’t remember what it’s like to not be in pain. I don’t remember what it feels like to not be so sleepy, so fatigued—betrayed by my own body. 

How would I spend my day—one day—if I wasn’t so tired and in pain? 

Indulge me in a symptom-free fantasy: 

If I wasn’t sick for a day, here’s what I’d do: 

1.	I’d get a tattoo! Perhaps a cross made of ocean waves. Or pens. Fibromyalgia pain is so intense that there’s no way I’d be able to bear getting a tattoo without a miraculous symptom-free day!
2.	I’d play basketball with my nephews. 
3.	I’d go to an amusement park! Rollercoasters and waterslides! 
4.	I’d go scuba diving! 
5.	I’d go for a hike at Inspiration Hills (my childhood church camp). 
6.	I’d play a game of softball. I miss the smell of outfield grass!
7.	I’d let people hug me as tight as they want. 
8.	I’d live an effortless, more predictable day where life feels fairer. 

If I wasn’t sick for a day, here’s what I would NOT do: 

1.	I wouldn’t question everything I do, wondering if I’m being lazy or selfish or wasting energy. I wouldn’t wonder if what I’m doing will cause extra pain and fatigue later. 
2.	I wouldn’t be smiling through the pain. My smile would be 100% genuine, authentic. 
3.	I would not be tracking my symptoms while simultaneously coaching myself to not pay them too much attention. 
4.	I wouldn’t be afraid of my own body. 
5.	I wouldn’t feel jealous of people who are healthy. 
6.	I wouldn’t need a nap (desperately). 
7.	I wouldn’t worry so damn much. 
8.	I wouldn’t feel bad for not doing enough. 

What would you do if you had one day symptom-free?

Wishing you infinite spoons!
Mere